Just His Age

9:00pm, the kids are finally both crashed, and alas, it's me and my (er, Mark's) computer. Oh yeah, and the kiddos I'm tutoring online intermittently. Sounds pretty relaxing for a mom, right? Unfortunately, my heart feels kind of heavy tonight. Not because anything is wrong, and no, nothing horrible has happened. I just find myself worried about my effectiveness as a mama. Yes, I'm able to meet all of my children's basic needs. They never go hungry, I keep them clothed, and they are relatively happy kiddos.

But what everyone is referring to as "just his age" has got me scratching my head with Kolbe. What seemed like the happiest baby in the world has turned in to somewhat of a monster. And by monster I mean a hitting, screaming, biting, throwing, kicking, pinching, poking, tantrum throwing twenty-three pounder. Part of me is a little plagued with guilt. Would Kolbe be acting this way if I hadn't added a little brother to our family just fifteen months after he was born? Technically, he was still a baby when the baby was born. Wait, he still is a baby. Even now. He's still my baby. All twenty-two months of him.

And "just his age" seems like such an excuse. While yes, I must admit that I have seen many a two-year-old act way more ridiculous than mine, I somehow feel like I should have a better handle on things. It often seems like I wake up with a pocket full of "no-nos" ready to throw out at the slightest deviation from appropriate. And this is a high-energy little fella we're talking about here. He's no peaceful, clingy, gentle thing at all. So those deviations from appropriate tend to be constant.

The baby brother just seems to add to the problems. All of the sudden, Reagan is a real person. He's not just the tiny baby that mama held and fed frequently and slept the rest of the time. He's a real boy. One that plays with Kolbe's toys. One that looks so inviting to poke and prod. One that takes Mama's attention. One that cries when Kolbe hits him. I think it's the response that Kolbe's going for. And considering I'm Reagan's mama too, I'm ever so often torn between wanting to defend Reagan (scene 1: Kolbe kits Reagan. Mama glares over at Kolbe and for a split second wants to grab him by the ear and toss him out the back door.) and wanting to see things through Kolbe's eyes and understand why he's acting out. Such a fine line.

But some of it has nothing to do with the baby brother at all. Some of it is just plain old bad. Did I just say that? My kid? Plain old bad? As much as I strive to be the perfect parent, yes, sometimes my darling little Kolb can be plain old bad. For example, scene 2: setting- our home, very first thing in the morning. Kolbe wanders in to Mama and Dada's room and after lots of cuddles and "good morning, Kolbe!"s, the day begins.
Mama: Lets go change your diaper, Kolbe.
Kolbe: NO!
Mama: Well, it's not an option, you're really soggy so we've got to get a new one.
Kolbe: NO!
(Kolbe runs full speed from room after hitting Mama's leg. Mama wipes sleep from eyes and stumbles as she grabs Kolbe by the arm. Full tantrum mode begins.)

I'm sure you can get what I'm saying. And no, this doesn't happen every single morning. And no, it's not always about the diaper. Sometimes it's about getting dressed. Sometimes it's about eating breakfast. Or getting in the car. Or putting toys away. I'm sure some of you more seasoned mothers are chuckling and thinking what a fool! She's letting this little pip-squeak rule the roost! And yes, I realize that I am the boss and options aren't a necessity. But I am not an experienced mom. I'm learning as I go. And I am completely entitled to my own believes about how I want to parent my children. And even though I get it fairly frequently from people I don't want to get it from, I'm not seeking all kinds of unsolicited advice. I just want to feel like my efforts aren't in vain. And I don't want to be one of those mothers who is all over my kids. I don't want to hand out all the no-nos my pockets seemed to be filled with. Where is the line between when to discipline and when to just let it go??? And will there ever come a point when Kolbe just chooses to do the right thing because he wants to please me??? (wouldn't that be nice!...actually it is nice. He does do it. Every once in a blue moon.)

The truth is, I love my two boys and my husband more than anything else on this Earth. They are the world to me. So I want to know that I am doing right by them. I hate sitting here wondering if all my efforts are enough. Or even if I'm making the right efforts. Since Kolbe is the one weighing heavy on my heart, I feel like I want to make sure I'm doing everything in my power to give him everything he needs. Sure, I know without a shadow of a doubt that discipline issues are going to creep up regardless of how phenomenal of a parent I am. Kids have to act out in order to learn what's right and wrong. It's just a whole lot, all of a sudden and I feel like I want to get a hold of it before it gets out of control. I guess this is just the perfectionist coming out in me. And truth be told, I'm sure the greatest amount of changing that needs to be done is changing within me.

God gave these two precious little boys to Mark and me for a reason. It's up to us to raise them the absolute best way we can and hope that it's enough. I pray that it will be. Because I'm not okay with the "just his age" mentality. Kolbe is my son. He's my first attempt at being a mama...the mama I always dreamed of being. Kolbe may be knocking on the doorstep of two, but that doesn't mean that he and the rest of our family has to suffer through this growing phase in such a negative light. It's my mission to make two...and even three!...a positive experience. I've armed myself with several tools, the most important and effective being prayer! Lots of support from Mark and many others certainly helps too. I'm also currently reading The Discipline Book by Dr. William and Martha Sears and have about three other books on not only raising children but raising Catholic children too that are begging to be read. (I'd like to add margaritas to the list of tools but don't quite have the money to afford them on a regular basis so instead I'll include chocolate.) It blows my mind how many things I want to do correctly and how little time I have to figure it all out! Thank God this is a learn-as-you-go profession! And thank God for my precious boys.